Refrain from negatives about your ex

Hello Single Mom Readers

Today I want to share a story that took place over the past week.  I was having lunch at work with many co-workers.  Two of them are new to the single mom situation.  Both are going through divorces and are experiencing the tug and pull of anger that can accompany this life change.

Both were commiserating about their exes and happily enjoying the sharing of feelings with someone who can appreciate what they are going through without being judged for the words and feelings they were sharing.

This is what recently separated or divorcing women really need.  An ear without judgement.   I was thinking how awesome it was for these ladies to be able to share their angst and even some laughter over their current situation.  I was so happy that they were able to do in an environment where their kids would not hear anything being said or shared.

Their conversations reminded me of something I had read so long ago about this sort of transition.

Never Ever Ever disrespect your ex in front of your children.  They do not need to hear or experience your anger at their father, in a negative and hateful way.  They are experiencing their own conflicted feelings and they really need you to be the example,  One of the benefits of behaving in an adult and mature fashion is that eventually they will emulate how you handle disappointments and loss.  If you can show them that you don't have to 'lose it' in order to feel the loss, this will help them learn how to manage and handle their own disappointments.

When my daughter was young I remember an acquaintance telling me to make sure that I never tell my child that her father doesn't love her.  I remember feeling incredulous that she would even think that I would 'go' there.  And although I was quite taken by surprise by her comment I could only reply back that I don't need to make any offering of his feelings for her.  His absence speaks volumes.

And so I speak the truth to you single moms.  You do not need to speak for anyone but yourself.  People reveal themselves and kids are not dumb.  They do not miss anything.  Parents who loved their kids before a breakup will love their kids after a breakup.  Behavior is what children know to be love.  Action.  Being present.  Your kids will see who loves them.  You will take the actions necessary to show your kids your love.  Your mouth will back up your actions so you can develop trust.  So only focus on you and your actions.  If you ex has integrity and character he will step up and never allow your kids to question his intentions.

On the other hand, absence is the action that underlines the feelings. If you ex fades out of the picture he never wanted to be there in the first place.

 Your kids need you to be there for them and to love and guide them.  Your underlying feelings will also be revealed.