Single mom: blocking interference

Hello Swarm Readers!

Today I would like to write about the phenomenon of the single mom in the role of advocate.   I can explain.  Sometimes when a single mom is trying to raise her children, other people (family, friends, complete strangers) feel the need to step in and add their input.  This is known as interference. I understand that this happens in two-parent households, but it is different when it's the mom...alone...and on her own.

Most often, the people who interfere think they are helping. Sometimes they are, but when their interference is blocking what you are trying to accomplish, that is counterproductive and it is not helpful to you.  Here is a way to differentiate.  People who go are helping you, will try to work with you.  People who are not helping will work against you.

Let's say you have a caregiver (or relative or friend) who you have given explicit directives about what you allow or don't allow your child to do. (It could be food they are allowed to eat, tv shows they are not allowed to watch, etc!)  If the rules you have set down are being ignored, then whoever is not enforcing your rules, is interfering.

It is not easy to be a single mom for many reasons, and because we often only allow a small number of people into our system of trusted support, we must be choosy in who we allow into that circle.  They must be of honest and honorable character and they must have integrity. And...they really need to abide by our rules and directives.

If you find that your rules and directives are being ignored, you must take steps to find out the reason why by communicating with your caregiver.  From time to time you will need to visit and reevaluate the reasons for some of the rules you have in place and if you re-examine them and determine they are important rules and rules you want followed, then those who choose not to follow them, consider removing them from your circle of support.  This does not mean that you remove them from your life, just from caregiving.  I have to add this as a disclaimer even though they can be your biggest interferers and that would be the grandparents.  Too often they think they are excused from following your directives because they raised you (or your ex) and they think they did a pretty good job.  Well,  it is because they raised you (or your ex) that may be the reason you want them to follow your rules (maybe they don't realize how they really screwed you up :)!!

If you examine your rules and find that some can be updated or refined then interference can be the impetus for change. Changing the rules is a normal part of raising children anyway, they will evolve as your children grow and sometimes having a caregiver speak up about the need for updating will be helpful.  It is important then, to have caregivers who you respect and whose input is valued.

Boundaries are important to set down at the beginning of the caregiving relationship and because boundaries can be manipulated, it is important to always let the caregiver know what is never going to be acceptable and what is never negotiable.  You are the boss! Act like it!

You have to be the one who rules the roost, after all God gave these gifts to you which makes me think that you have the innate sensitivity to what is best for them.

I once had a teacher from my child's school tell me that a parent must always step up for their kids because they are the child's biggest advocate. That has always stuck with me and has helped me grow the backbone I needed to make sure my child felt protected.